Better Communication for a Better Life - Blog

Core relational strength provides the ability to be clear about what you are communicating and to deliver it with affinity and reality – in appropriate relationship. It also includes getting the clarity that the message has been received and understood. All of this is required for a communication to be complete. As a leader, a team member or an individual there is a much better likelihood of living a life on purpose and to full potential if we are great communicators. Most people spend a big part of their day communicating in relationships – with family and friends or during the work day. We also spend many hours each week clarifying that communication. Comments like 'But I thought you said...' or ' I took that to mean...' are not going to allow you to develop the relationships and networks you desire. Building core relational strength will ensure that real communication takes place. Real communication is the antidote to the misunderstandings that often lead to ...

Many business professionals struggle to manage interpersonal relationships. They report that a high percentage of the stress and anxiety they feel comes from having to ‘handle’ and ‘deal with’ people. Coaching can help. Due to the mindset issues involved, it is difficult to self-identify solutions that will work. If these issues aren’t dealt with the stress and anxiety can affect your health, productivity, well-being, and career. Studies show professionals who work in high-stress environments are more likely to suffer from symptoms like high blood pressure, insulin resistance, and high cholesterol which increase the risk of heart disease and diabetes. People also report irritability, sleep problems, weak immune system, as well as depression. As a leader these issues affect you, as well as the team you count on. Other causes of workplace stress and anxiety caused by poor relationship and communication skills include: Lateral violence – ongoing bullying and abuse ...

Sometimes we are just not ourselves, something triggers us – we react and cause damage to the relationships in our work and home life – when it happens it can really take us out; out of connection, communication and contact – out of integrity, of control – out of relationship. There are four issues that usually cause the problems (with lots of overlap): 1. A self-limiting belief 2. A past trauma 3. A thinking error 4. A lack in learning about, or experience getting across, different types of communication Clearing these issues will free your mind so that your mental health will improve and you can make changes in your life. The path to clearing these areas – especially urgent where the issue is holding you back – is through what I call the A-line, or the Straight A Progression. Awareness When you first realize that your problem originates in a mental attitude you have – simply open to knowing more about this. Become a loving observer as you grow in awar...

A hot topic in personal and professional development these days is emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, in general, is learning to calm the reactions our thoughts and beliefs create, so others can have their thoughts and beliefs intact in our presence. It’s learning to respect others by not imposing our ways of thinking and being on other people, and to be aware of diversity, unconscious bias, and be sensitive to others. And... of course we hope the other people are on board with this too. Since 1999 I have been exploring human communication, connection, and relationship in a holistic way and coaching people to be better at that. We connect, communicate, and be in relationship through our body, mind, emotions, and spirit. I have learned through my own growth, and thousands of hours with clients that unless we open deeply to relationship, we will feel dis-satisfied and unfulfilled in life. The big problem is that we are so vulnerable – wound-able, that we instin...

I write quite a bit about clearing mental attitudes that trigger us into closing ourselves to opportunities. These are mindset issues, however they originate in the heart. The core issues that restrict us most were developed in childhood and can be difficult to pinpoint because they have become so integrated that we think they really are who we are. A closed mind is a symptom for a closed heart. Because we were hurt and had no power, the only thing we could do was internalize it – do our best to make sure it never happened again by closing off any opportunity for pain. The only way to do that is to harden and close our soft hearts so we feel less vulnerable. Compounding that – we also see how our parents and other authority figures handle vulnerability and learn to also do that. You may have seen them lashing out with violence or passive aggressiveness, been indoctrinated with their prejudices, seen them being ridiculed for ‘weak’ emotions, or avoiding most emotions entirely. Clear...

Before we are socialized, we are as authentic and natural as we can be. As we internalize what we are told, and we say it over and over to ourselves, it gives us something to hold onto, that we can count on. It keeps us feeling that we belong, are accepted, taken care of, and safe. These thoughts become embedded beliefs and include times that we we were hurt by something someone said or did that we didn’t understand. We made a decision about ourselves, others, or life in general at that time, and it has become a safety line that we believe is necessary to our survival. Don’t cross the line. Danger! We support those beliefs by limiting ourselves to fit inside our idea of safety at that time. Others can hurt me, Fight back, Stay quiet, Go hide, Life is hard, I’m not good enough, I am different, There’s not enough for me. I have to fight for what I want, I can never ask for what I want, I’m not lovable / likeable, Please them, Be a good girl / boy / lady / gentleman ... and so on. ...

Some people I work with come to me because they feel like a victim; victimized by life or others. Or some have been told they have a victim attitude about part, or all, of their life and want to find out about that. They have probably heard from others to change their mindset, to choose to be grateful, to re-frame it; in some way to fake feeling empowered and happier until they make it. Most feel that they have no control over this – it is real and they are powerless about it. In reality, they are in the grips of a core mental state that no one could just shake off in any kind of lasting, meaningful way. This state, or it could be called an attitude, covers the person from head to toe. The body feels the stress of it, the emotions are run ragged by it, the spirit feels out of reach and doesn’t recognize fulfillment... and this attitude dwells in the mind. We all have areas where we feel more and less empowered, able, or capable than others. Why? Because there is something we belie...

I spoke to a colleague last week. She had gone through a rough patch and noticed her thoughts and reactions were very volatile around that area of life – she called it a hangover. I really appreciated that. To me that meant that she knew that it was self-inflicted and she knew that she would recover. In my lingo I would call it a trigger. A specific kind of trigger that is like a worm – a worm of the mind. Worms are caused by any memory that we don’t want to think about; a missed opportunity, something we did that we think we shouldn’t have, or something we failed to do that we think we should have done. These worms lie buried until we are reminded of a painful relationship or experience. The worm is attached to the memory and brings a negative flavour to it and often, any other similar experiences as well. As long as these worms exist we are unable to really remember the learnings and good times that were also a part of the mix. Until we empower ourselves to release it - de...

Go on a walk alone and listen to your mind. Bring a small notepad and pen. Don’t bring your earbuds, airpods, or earphones this time. For best results, leave your phone behind. You and your mind need some alone time. The world will still distract you – add that to your investigation. Notice your thoughts. For now don’t try to stop or control them at all. Do your best to pull back and let your mind go wild – and watch. There is a meme that says ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys’. Now is time to find out about your circus and monkeys, and yes, we all have them. Your ‘monkey’ mind will show you the way to your limiting thoughts and beliefs. Clearing those will change your life. As you walk along begin to track the different types of thoughts that arise. Some may be great ideas that you notice because you have space, time, and attention available. Briefly write down the core of the idea in the suggested notebook. This will allow your tenacious mind to check off that communicati...

In previous blog posts and videos I have written and spoken about ways that we jump to assumptions and are triggered by others because of what they do and say. They trigger us to jump to preconceived ideas that comfort us by having us believe that we are right when we encounter cognitive dissonance and our minds are too closed to be available to learning, or accepting others’ opinions and ideas. Committing to Relational Leadership means learning all about ourselves and the ways we shut others down, or tune them out. After growing your awareness for a while, as soon as the feeling of righteousness arises you will see this as a recognized signal to check in and find out what’s going on.  What belief of mine am I protecting?  Why do I want to shut this person down?    Why am I drawn to being a know-it-all now?  Why do I feel like I have to get them to think what I think; believe what I believe?   What do I get out of behaving this way? The QuickR...

Developing trust is like a deep lake that is beginning to freeze over. First when the weather gets cold, you feel very safe walking in the mud that used to suck at your boots. Then the waters edge grows firm enough to support you. That is what it is like when you begin to trust and empower yourself. You trust that you manifest each day and that you are totally responsible for your experience of everything. You notice that suddenly you are easily doing something that would have been a real stretch last year. You notice that fears that dictated your life last year are gone. Certain people that used to push your buttons can’t even find them anymore. You have grown. Your trust has grown. And so you step out a little further onto the ice. Yes, this world is here to support you, however you choose. That support is always there. We are only able to step out onto the ice as far as our trust will carry us. Remember also that even though you are only able to step out so far, that...

If you deal with people as a part of your job or business it would benefit you to use all the means at your disposal to understand them better. Knowing how to identify non-verbal cues and communication can make a huge difference. Depending on your goals, what you look for differs. With each facial feature or expression there are gifts, and there are challenges that you can clearly identify. If you want to make comfortable small talk with a client, the side of their gifts is where to look. When working in customer service such as in a dental or medical office, as a hairstylist, esthetician, or staff member at a gaming table in a casino – you are not trying to counsel, coach, problem solve, or resolve conflict. Your goal is to make your client feel comfortable – so comfortable that they want to stay longer and come back often. Really seeing them – who they are, and being a great listener – available to them – and not triggered by them, is what you need. If you are in sales ...

Our brains are hardwired to look for body language – non-verbal clues – even though we may not even consciously be aware of what is triggering us. Then, other times we make conscious choices to believe something without truly checking if it's true for you.  I chose to believe, for a while, that crossed arms or crossed legs mean that the person is closed. Closed to us, closed to the topic, closed emotionally – I now don’t believe this is true. Often crossing our arms is just a comfortable place to put them! Crossing our legs is a habit – not an indicator of receptivity. I can remember many times when I would look in the audience and my heart would drop – crossed legs and arms = they hate me! Just as often these would be the same people who gave me a great evaluation or came up and spoke to me about how they agreed with, or were touched by what I said. We, people in general, are meaning making machines. We love to interpret, may have superstitions, see importance in coinciden...

Call it what you will – instinct, intuition, gut-feeling or spidey-senses – sometimes we just get a feeling... you know what I mean. These feelings trigger us in certain ways – positive and negative, towards something or away from it. There are a lot of reasons for these feelings: reminds us of someone or something that made an impact on our lives an old fear we had is triggered by a current circumstance there is something not congruent about a person, place, or thing So our mind sends out an alert. When we are moving towards being a more relationship-based leader sometimes we will be triggered. There is a path through that became clear as I worked with these triggers when they arose in me. I call it The Straight A Progression . At that time I was managing others, and sometimes I would wonder what had control over me as I was overpowered or undermined by certain of my direct reports. I was unable to be a leader to them. Yet most of the time I had good boundaries, cont...

   Relationship-Based Leadership Caring, intentional and responsive relationships are at the heart of businesses that people want to work for. You can create deeper and more meaningful relationships with your colleagues, and employees, as well as your clients!  Modern leadership needs to be more than a shift in technique:  Leaders need to truly know and understand their managers and staff. Leaders must provide a sense of safety, acceptance, and belonging. Leaders need to be able to recognize the early signs of mental or emotional struggle and provide effective support. When we move more towards relationship-based leadership it is no surprise that this includes all of peoples’ vulnerabilities – their anxiety, defenses, and their emotional triggers and struggles. This can seem to be more than a business leader should have to deal with! There needs to be a fundamental shift in how leaders approach the HR challenge. Relationships must move from be...