Better Communication for a Better Life - Blog

I spoke to a colleague last week. She had gone through a rough patch and noticed her thoughts and reactions were very volatile around that area of life – she called it a hangover. I really appreciated that. To me that meant that she knew that it was self-inflicted and she knew that she would recover. In my lingo I would call it a trigger. A specific kind of trigger that is like a worm – a worm of the mind. Worms are caused by any memory that we don’t want to think about; a missed opportunity, something we did that we think we shouldn’t have, or something we failed to do that we think we should have done. These worms lie buried until we are reminded of a painful relationship or experience. The worm is attached to the memory and brings a negative flavour to it and often, any other similar experiences as well. As long as these worms exist we are unable to really remember the learnings and good times that were also a part of the mix. Until we empower ourselves to release it - de...

Go on a walk alone and listen to your mind. Bring a small notepad and pen. Don’t bring your earbuds, airpods, or earphones this time. For best results, leave your phone behind. You and your mind need some alone time. The world will still distract you – add that to your investigation. Notice your thoughts. For now don’t try to stop or control them at all. Do your best to pull back and let your mind go wild – and watch. There is a meme that says ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys’. Now is time to find out about your circus and monkeys, and yes, we all have them. Your ‘monkey’ mind will show you the way to your limiting thoughts and beliefs. Clearing those will change your life. As you walk along begin to track the different types of thoughts that arise. Some may be great ideas that you notice because you have space, time, and attention available. Briefly write down the core of the idea in the suggested notebook. This will allow your tenacious mind to check off that communicati...

In previous blog posts and videos I have written and spoken about ways that we jump to assumptions and are triggered by others because of what they do and say. They trigger us to jump to preconceived ideas that comfort us by having us believe that we are right when we encounter cognitive dissonance and our minds are too closed to be available to learning, or accepting others’ opinions and ideas. Committing to Relational Leadership means learning all about ourselves and the ways we shut others down, or tune them out. After growing your awareness for a while, as soon as the feeling of righteousness arises you will see this as a recognized signal to check in and find out what’s going on.  What belief of mine am I protecting?  Why do I want to shut this person down?    Why am I drawn to being a know-it-all now?  Why do I feel like I have to get them to think what I think; believe what I believe?   What do I get out of behaving this way? The QuickR...

Developing trust is like a deep lake that is beginning to freeze over. First when the weather gets cold, you feel very safe walking in the mud that used to suck at your boots. Then the waters edge grows firm enough to support you. That is what it is like when you begin to trust and empower yourself. You trust that you manifest each day and that you are totally responsible for your experience of everything. You notice that suddenly you are easily doing something that would have been a real stretch last year. You notice that fears that dictated your life last year are gone. Certain people that used to push your buttons can’t even find them anymore. You have grown. Your trust has grown. And so you step out a little further onto the ice. Yes, this world is here to support you, however you choose. That support is always there. We are only able to step out onto the ice as far as our trust will carry us. Remember also that even though you are only able to step out so far, that...

If you deal with people as a part of your job or business it would benefit you to use all the means at your disposal to understand them better. Knowing how to identify non-verbal cues and communication can make a huge difference. Depending on your goals, what you look for differs. With each facial feature or expression there are gifts, and there are challenges that you can clearly identify. If you want to make comfortable small talk with a client, the side of their gifts is where to look. When working in customer service such as in a dental or medical office, as a hairstylist, esthetician, or staff member at a gaming table in a casino – you are not trying to counsel, coach, problem solve, or resolve conflict. Your goal is to make your client feel comfortable – so comfortable that they want to stay longer and come back often. Really seeing them – who they are, and being a great listener – available to them – and not triggered by them, is what you need. If you are in sales ...

Our brains are hardwired to look for body language – non-verbal clues – even though we may not even consciously be aware of what is triggering us. Then, other times we make conscious choices to believe something without truly checking if it's true for you.  I chose to believe, for a while, that crossed arms or crossed legs mean that the person is closed. Closed to us, closed to the topic, closed emotionally – I now don’t believe this is true. Often crossing our arms is just a comfortable place to put them! Crossing our legs is a habit – not an indicator of receptivity. I can remember many times when I would look in the audience and my heart would drop – crossed legs and arms = they hate me! Just as often these would be the same people who gave me a great evaluation or came up and spoke to me about how they agreed with, or were touched by what I said. We, people in general, are meaning making machines. We love to interpret, may have superstitions, see importance in coinciden...

Call it what you will – instinct, intuition, gut-feeling or spidey-senses – sometimes we just get a feeling... you know what I mean. These feelings trigger us in certain ways – positive and negative, towards something or away from it. There are a lot of reasons for these feelings: reminds us of someone or something that made an impact on our lives an old fear we had is triggered by a current circumstance there is something not congruent about a person, place, or thing So our mind sends out an alert. When we are moving towards being a more relationship-based leader sometimes we will be triggered. There is a path through that became clear as I worked with these triggers when they arose in me. I call it The Straight A Progression . At that time I was managing others, and sometimes I would wonder what had control over me as I was overpowered or undermined by certain of my direct reports. I was unable to be a leader to them. Yet most of the time I had good boundaries, cont...